littlealiengirl:

I know I can’t tell anyone else how to feel about their illness or disability, even if it’s one we have in common, but sometimes it’s hard not to take certain things personally.

If someone else and I have a common problem and their response to their own problem falls into the category of “Everything happens for a reason.” or “God made me this way and God doesn’t make mistakes.” I actually get personally offended. I know I can’t say anything because they’re speaking about their own experiences, but it feels like they’re implying this applies to everyone with said illness/disability/other thing.

All I can hear when someone says that is, “God wants us to suffer.”

Maybe it’s because I’m agnostic, but I don’t think that’s even it. I have been known to blame the universe on occasion when shit goes wrong, I’m not full without a belief that there’s probably something “more than us”. I just refuse to believe that whatever that something is would purposefully set up things that would either kill us or set us or someone else up to kill us for whatever reason. Your deity is fucking sadistic if they just want us to be in pain.

Because my disability is not a fucking trial to be overcome. My disability is not here to teach me or anyone else around me. I am not a fucking after school special or children’s cartoon where we all learn some kind of lesson about ourselves and become better people.

My disability is a roadblock. My disability is something that I struggle with that holds me back. If you don’t see yours that way then good, I’m glad you’re more comfortable than me. But if you ever try to tell me that your God does not make mistakes or give us more than we can handle I will chew you the fuck out for it, but only if you say it to me personally because fuck knows I don’t have the energy to actually start arguments bigger than I can handle right now. (And yet I’m making this post, fancy that.)

And as much as it would be nice if society would accommodate the learning disabled a lot more than they do and if they would pick up on diagnosis sooner so that we could actually be treated, I would also appreciate it if some people (some ADHDers even!) would stop acting like being in treatment is something anyone would only do for the sake of society and that none of us do it for ourselves. If you want to call it internalized ableism I will not stop you, but maybe it’s because self discipline is actually highly important in the field I want to enter and it’s not a skill I ever learned.

I don’t medicate so that society will like me better; I medicate so I will like me better. I need to accomplish shit and I will not feel good about myself until I have a place in this world. I know I am capable of doing more than I do now and I will not be happy until I actually prove it.

littlealiengirl:

There is something I’ve found oddly triggering about Suicide Prevention/Awareness day/week/month and, until last night, I couldn’t put my finger on it.

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I also tried to write something after you linked me that STUPID BOOK page where the person is glad they didn’t kill themselves the year before because they like go skydiving and scubadiving or some shit because you know suicide isn’t caused by actual problems and it’s a rich person problem or something jfglnfgj

anyway yes you are smart yes much better wordysense i just misspelled “stupid book” like 5x times sob back to bed kat

chronicillnesscat:

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “All you people who can manage to lead productive lives - Please, oh please teach me your secrets.”]

I’m finally at a point where I could, realistically, get back into the swing of things, but the depression and anxiety is worse than ever. It’s like I get the choice between a sick body and stable mind, or a stable body and a sick mind.

I know from trying that if I try to be productive it will backlash on both my mental and physical health and make me way worse :/

ventyventvents:

Ok this was my day. Some if this was written at the time things were happening ( an then edited for a bit more clarity but I don’t think I did a particularly good job), and some added in after I got home(between the dashes and at the end)

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Well that sounds like a miserable experience.

I can’t say I am very surprised because my vague memories of group therapy are equally crap. Mostly I just remember it canceling my BETTER plans of birthday parties and shit and I held a ten year grudge because of deprivation of birthday party muffins

Shown here: chocolate birthday muffin.

IT WAS IMPORTANT OK. I REALLY LIKE THAT MUFFIN. /grump grump

But yeah anyway. At the very least you have described every group project experience of my school career. Forced talking, draw on notebook, be ignored by everyone not being actively forced to interact. I just. Stop talking. My feedback from grade school was similar, if you open you mouth you will be mocked, even teachers have mocked me, why the fuck would I be motivated to talk ever after that? 

I am not helpful in supporting you in this am I….

Honestly? I think it would make more sense to throw you in some sort of small group of people of shared interests and have you try and socialize that way. Because idg how throwing people who only have lack of social skills in common together and make them try and get shit done is supposed to work. Yes lets talk about not talking. This is fun I totally want to talk about this.

I bet you could find enough bad anxiety people who would like to talk about bidoofbutts. Why are therapists not utilizing the internet for this it makes more sense to me. Also it helps to have like one person who is good at conversation because I notice if you throw me in with someone who actually wants to talk to everyone I will end up fucking talking because the burden of conversation is not on me.

IDK I am probably rambling unhelpfully at this point.

ventyventvents:

• Finally psyche self up to call the two places I was meant to call yesterday but was too anxious to
• Place 1’s phone rings, then makes a dial up modem kind of sound. I hang up, then try again two more times but the same thing happens.
• Panic
• Google Place 1 
• Find a mobile number for that doctor
• Call it
• Voicemail
• Hang up because too anxious
• “I’ll try calling Place 2”
• Place 2’s phone rings, then I’m send to a voice prompt thing and I have no idea which option would be appropriate
• Hang up
• Shaking
• Call the hospital’s main number and explain, they say the line’s busy would I like to hold or call back later
• I squeak out “I’ll hold”
• Wait for a minute with their really loud hold music, not sure if I’ll be able to actually talk if the person I’m meant to talk to answers
• Get transferred back to reception and they say the line’s still busy, would I like to wait longer or call back later
• “I’ll try again later”
• Now sitting here in front of computer trying to calm down

Do doctors realize

how fucking awful it is

for some of their patients the incompetent way their phone systems are set up most of the time.

Half my doctors that have offices not in a hospital don’t even have call waiting. Let that sink in. I constantly get the busy signal calling doctors offices. I cannot think of a single person I know who’s home line doesn’t even have that.

Then most of them, even the hospital based ones if you want to leave a message with a secretary and not a call service you have maybe 4-5 hours in which you can do it. One of them doesn’t even take calls on friday.

Talk to the actual doctor about something important or want an appointment? No they are on vacation. I have no idea how the fuck they get all these vacations but EVERY time I try to make an appointment or ask a medical question NOPE VACATION.

This is of course, even not counting in the fact I fucking hate phones, I have always had issues with my brain dropping bits of the conversation I am having verbally and when you add in the phone and my brainfog that has gotten progressively worse lately I will end up hanging up and forgetting everything just said.

WHY. CAN’T. WE. USE. EMAIL. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

NONE of my doctors let me use email. Email would let me send messages when I am actually awake and coherent instead of when I am useless. It would give me a response in legible text instead of messy handwriting that I wouldn’t have to keep going back and wondering if you wrote it down right or heard right or if you might be taking the wrong amount of a drug because your fucking brain has been betraying you.

ventyventvents:

My dad is talking to my sister about what her “plan” is for the future.
I hate when he does this, because after her he turns to me.
He knows what my situation is but he seems completely incapable of understanding. So these conversations end up being very frustrating.
Watch me not leave my room for the next few hours.

Mom is really sympathetic about how I obviously am totally not able to do anything now but when it gets to “maybe I should apply for disability because I am seriously fucked here” conversation she kind of plugs her ears and thinks this is an illness with an actual remission or something.

I am extra worried because looking back now on when I was still under the impression I was “normal” I very clearly needed accommodations even then. I was having problems with standing jobs as long ago as age 17 and at that age I was somehow successfully (though not exactly pleasantly) walk a mile to a train station in 90 degree weather…

But there isn’t really anything to do about it.

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chronicillnesscat:

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “Symptoms usually begin in early adulthood” …Symptoms since age five.”]

My mom gets AARP etc. mail with my illnesses listed on the… Most of my shit wrong doesn’t usually have serious symptoms pop up until around age 50 :/

ventyventvents:

Not a venty post, more an observation.

I filled my latest prescription today. Up to 20mg on the lexapro now. Yay, I guess? If it works that is.

So I’m sitting on my bed when I look over at empty box of 10mg-ers and get curious about if there’s a price difference. Turns out yeah.

20mg = $27.99
10mg = $25.99

I cannot wait for this fabulous hat

littlealiengirl:

There is a post going around Tumblr where one person is trying to get their friend to stop cutting by getting the post to a lot of notes. I’m sure the friend means well, but I’m afraid this little deal will cause more harm than good and that worries me. I was going to reblog it but I thought of…

Yes.

Sorry loved ones of people who have problems like this and make these sorts of posts. You cannot cure an illness, an addiction with a tumblr post. This is not something rational that you can just logic your way out of. Pointing to something and saying “see, 30,000 people think self harm is bad!” is not going to bring anything new to the table but guilt. All of the “help me show ___ that _____” posts don’t make the person it is aimed at feel better, it makes YOU feel better because you are justifying your rightness. Hitting a little heart on a post is not going to stop someone from self harm, smoking, or fix various injustices in the world.

Oh, and while I am on the topic of reblog help chains like this. DON’T. FUCKING. PUT GRAPHIC. PICTURES. ON. THESE.

I unfollowed someone for reblogging some awareness over x post that included pictures of a baby with their genitals rotting off. Not even tagged as anything tumblrsavior would catch. There do not exist words for how much I did not want to ever see that.

ventyventvents:

Is it sad that my first thought when taking my first dose of Lexapro this morning was “thank god this isn’t flavoured like the Lovan was”?

Not really there are a lot of instances where I have issues gagging down pills for that D: